Trying times Pt.2

 Okay bien, seguimos. 

Antes de los nueve años i got my period and it was hard to admit. First time ever i was wearing these magenta panties, I saw this dark stain en ellos, took them to the shower with me and panicked cause i thought que habia hecho algo malo. Yeah, i thought having a period was because i did something bad y no le dije a nadie por miedo. Despues, later that year mi sister estaba en Francia and so I got my second time ever period, 9 years already y i was just so sad and uncomfortable. I felt like everyone "knew i had done something bad" y por eso ya yo era una mujer grande y no podia ser una niña anymore. Con eso, vino mi deseo de salir de tooodaaas mis muñecas y juegos. im talking about de botar un mueble del tamaño mio casi, el cual usaba diario para jugar y sacar mis juegos, just like that out of nowhere. 

En el colegio, well mi profe que tanto me queria se entero de un problema que tuve con Solange y she said she was the sun and i was the moon, and that hit me you know? Que ella tenia luz propia y yo y otras niñas solo reflejabamos la luz de ella. Yup, amazing, right? A parte de la vez que Carlos José said que yo tenia mas facial hair que el, I felt overall ugly y fuera de lugar en pretty much everything que no fuera sacar buena nota y ser buena estudiante. My english teacher was online chatting with me una vez, my mom read it, y no le gusto porque el me estaba diciendo stuff like: no le digas  a nadie, estas con alguien ahi? All he ever said was que he had a crush on my principal teacher, Yoenmy y que le habia mandado flores. Was there anything else? Nunca lo sabre, mami me hizo block him. 

9 years, and fourth grade in general were hard for me. I used to spend most of my free time daydreaming until i was around 17. I used to create these stories in my head, with characters and i would recreate whatever happened to me in real life, in a better or easier way to cope with. i loved staying inside my head. 

well, sigamos. En 5to grado mi profe magdalena, prolly dead now, me sugirio leer mucho. Le dijo a mi mama que convenia leer mucho, especialmente de noche. And so i did, me volvi loca leyendo y me pasaba la mitad de los recreos en la biblioteca, by myself. Eventually people thought it was cool and i kind of got my own book club you know? Siempre tuve esa capacidad de atraer gente somehow just by being..me i guess. Asi paso con cuando empece a escribir y cuando me dedique a escribir en Pascualinas (diarios hermosisimos que traian historias preciosas, no se por que no los siguen haciendo, overall they were destined for teenagers pero yo y mi grupo nos creiamos "muy maduras" just cuz we had our periods already.

Middle school. Not much there besides teenage angst y empezar a formar las amistades que me cambiarian la vida: Kamill, Nathalia, Aimee, Solange, Eloisa, Maria Cristina. Ah, y my first therapy sessions over social anxiety y no poder hablar en publico, nisiquiera en exposiciones EVEN THOUGH yo lo habia hecho en años anteriores. Sabes...Creo que me paso algo que me causo tanta ansiedad qye i just became so much more insecure than ever y solo queria retraerme en mi mundo de fantasia.

Back home, well...Loraine ya se habia ido de casa when i was 12. Shit hit the ceiling you know? antes habia experimentado estar sin ella and it was awful, i would get these horrible night terrors y tenia que dormir con una colcha aunque estuviera agosto con calor just cuz i didnt feel safe en mi propio cuarto. At the same time, empece a leer Paulo Coelho..lol y aprendi muchas cosas de la vida, empece a tener una perspectiva un poco broader pero i felt oh so lonely e incomprendida...Only person who would get me was Dayanette. 

Problemas economicos de "nos robaron" "el negocio esta quebrado" "ese empleado nos llevo X cantidad" y mami comprando ropa y haciendo viajes y comprandole cosas a Loraine y yo here like: i want that too...pero dejame decirte que dificilmente me soltaba, aunque viajara con ella y su amiga y su familia...dificilmemte experimentaba la sensacion de "joy" aunque este en el crucero mas grande del mundo...Me sentia muy sola todavia y muy out of place. Sabia lo de mami y papi, they couldnt stand each other seguian peleando and things started to go bad. I couldnt make friends o reirme mucho...

Papi rompiendo cosas, amenzando a mami con killing himself or killing her. Picking at a gun in front of me and her. That day i was...i dont even know now. I just felt like stuff was really bad. All if not all the fights, were about "sightings" of my dad cheating on her.Or about misused money or giving too much power to employees. Lets not forget all the times mom would hide knives around the house "si por si a caso tu papa hace algo".

Dad would first start sleeping en la habitacion de arriba, then he started going to la casa del negocio at calle 3, second floor. Donde nisiquiera habia una cama. Mom would make me go over there late afternoons to talk to him, tell him i loved him, to come back please y llevarle comida sometimes. I honestly hated the job, cuz...I knew i wasnt supposed to do that but i felt still somehow responsible for what had happened and felt the same about, if he didnt come back i would be my fault. And its not like we needed him to be okay, it was more like he needed us to be a whole person you know? He would go days without a proper shower (un hombre que le encanta andar limpio y perfumado y con camisas planchadas)o sin comer bien. 

And so my teens went by like that. Senior year, was kind of trying, cause i was so ready to get out of school, my french teacher Amelie alwasy used to say: "you belong somewhere else my dear, that I can tell" Realizing I was cute no matter how my hair looked, fue fundamental para superar las inseguridades que alimento mi ultimo año en el colegio.

Decidir que estudiar..oh man was that hard. El cuento lo dejo para otro entry, solo deben saber que lo hice el mismo dia de la inscripcion. Wow, la adrenalina. 

Primeros años de uni crei que tenia green card to become the person i always wanted to be..LIKE I REALLY BELIEVED THAT. Y a pesar de que eso fue algo hermoso, ver el potencial en mi, hard times no tardaron en llegar. Mom started getting sick and kind of addicted to being in hospitals over ANY reason...no quiero entrar en detalles. Inseguridad de la carrera, y challenging times like eso de que casi me quemo, aunque actually i did solo me dieron los puntos en quimica inorganica. 

Todo lo de ciencias medicas basicas was hard, pero somwhow yo tenia mi mindset muy solido y asistia a terapia sometimes y i had friends so those were overall good times. Hasta que llego el vacio de la monitoria...mami interna cada 3 meses...y el resto es historia reciente amigos, cuz latest trying time es una pandemia y realizing just how toxic most my close relationships were y como Angel y yo casi acabamos asi, aunque acabamos.

Bye motherfucker, no llore, sorpresivamente.