My Land

No matter how much I try to keep my calm, how much I try to let go...there's this scar in my heart which I call sorrow, it slows me down. Sometimes makes me feel angry, some others makes mw want to reconsider or rethink stuff, regret stuff, ask for God's forgiveness, talk to him, it makes me want to know if for real, deep down in his heart, he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Sometimes, it is crystal clear: he doesn't write, hasn't told me out of this grey zone, his face when I see him. The time that has passed...All of it is kind of like a reminder: No, he doesn't want to be with you he's just convincing himself better so that there's no way you can take him back. And that makes me feel sad...To think that he will just let us drive apart... To think that he doesn't even consider that I really am sorry for the first time. That this time, he didn't have to convince me I was wrong, I feel it and it breaks me so hard.  Do you really think we don...

I am angry, very angre. So ngry I cant even hide it from the ones I love.Why  just why would he just leave me hanging? Is it some kind cruel of test?  Is it because he does not want to say "no"? If its that, then he's a selfish morron. Because he knows I suffer, he knows it so well.  It's like I'm not even worth a proper goodbye, a proper "look, I dont think we could ever work."  1 year and 2 months...as if nothing.  Like I wasnt trying, I was trying. God knows I was, I just didnt know what I know now and its NOT FAIR. Cant say I've changed entirely, that would be a lie. Now at least I can say I need to stop and think....stop and think stop and think srop and think and walk away for a moment and ask things from the in an assertive manner. To stop wishing and expecting 24/7 and focus on the now. To focus on what is good now. To appreciate it and create moments because ...JUST BECAUSE. Because I wanted a future with him, because I see how he balances m...

Cynical or not, I still love him. My mind, still loves him. Brings him to the first plane even in my sleep. What a dream, I dreamt we were saying goodbye, visiting people for the last time, hugging for the last time. I wont wait for him, I can't afford anything more than the time it might take me to process all this. My brain wants to move on... This is the proof of wanting to move on. I dont want to feel the pain but here i am, writing about him. Then he will just be another memory.  I cant eat, I cant work, I cant be. Not for now...that is too much.