Sorrow

No matter how much I try to keep my calm, how much I try to let go...there's this scar in my heart which I call sorrow, it slows me down. Sometimes makes me feel angry, some others makes mw want to reconsider or rethink stuff, regret stuff, ask for God's forgiveness, talk to him, it makes me want to know if for real, deep down in his heart, he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Sometimes, it is crystal clear: he doesn't write, hasn't told me out of this grey zone, his face when I see him. The time that has passed...All of it is kind of like a reminder: No, he doesn't want to be with you he's just convincing himself better so that there's no way you can take him back. And that makes me feel sad...To think that he will just let us drive apart... To think that he doesn't even consider that I really am sorry for the first time. That this time, he didn't have to convince me I was wrong, I feel it and it breaks me so hard. 

Do you really think we don't deserve another chance? That this love doesn't deserve another chance to make things right? Because I have rolled deep in the seas of my wrongs...I've come to the surface to understand, little by little, how to make it right. I know I have to work on me, which is what I do...Which is what I've been doing all this time, just that I needed time/ space to blow and FEEL.

Too bad it cost me this, I'm sorry it cost me this much, to get myself back. I'm sorry, I didn't know better, I didn't know myself better and I didn't know how to handle things better. I blew up because I needed to, but I blew up on you hundreds of times before and I'm sorry for that,,, it was like crónicas de una muerte anunciada..It had to happen so that I could be. 

Was there another way? Probably, yes. That I knew of? No.

You wouldnt had been able to know either...nobody would've known, nobody but God.


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